OLDER WOMEN DATING YOUNGER MEN: If thinking about a relationship, I say think again!*”

Vol. 2,  No. 7, June 19, 2011

TITLE: “OLDER WOMEN DATING YOUNGER MEN: If thinking about a relationship, I say think again!*”


This week, my topic is older women dating younger men and those in love relationships. ‘Cougars’ is the slang name given to these women.  Accordingly to statistics, it’s on the rise. My book of the week is: “Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men [Paperback] by Valerie Gibson (Author). (Editor’s Note: This is the first of a series on dating. Look for the second next week.)


After my divorce, I considered dating younger men because many who approached me were younger. Numerous men my age are interested in women 20+ years younger.  However, I wanted a lasting relationship with a man of my age…someone with whom, I could grow old.  I was looking for someone who was at the same stage in his life.  I found him.

I remember being at a single’s dance and a woman came to sit at my table.  She appeared so sad; I decided to ask her what’s wrong.   Her story was that she had a long relationship with a younger man.  Everything seemed fine until one day at breakfast, he told her that he was leaving.  He said: ” You don’t suit me anymore”. I also had another friend, who would only date younger men – it was her preference.  However, her love life did not work out very well.

You remember:  Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, to name a few couples of the December-May sort.

S & R* CHOICE ANECDOTAGE #1: Sensitive Snipes

“Older women, they love Waiting to Exhale,” Wesley Snipes once remarked. “I had one ask me today, ‘Why did your character act like that? Because you were so sensitive, and you were feeling for the woman, right?’ And I’m, like, ‘What are you talking about? I was trying to get some ass!’ If I had a chance to read the script before I got to the set, there would’ve been a rewrite!”
(Source: www.anecdotage.com) – http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15300

S & R* CHOICE ANECDOTAGE #2: Oneida Corp.

“A chief tenet of John Humphrey Noyes’s utopianism held that the pleasures of sex and the bearing of children were events that might be separated in the interests of his community, which was called Oneida and located in New York State. Withholding of male orgasm would satisfy the tenet. Older women of Oneida initiated boys into the art of coitus reservatus and older men instructed the young women. Carefully chosen couples were permitted to have children, who then were raised by the community instead of by the parents, in the manner proposed by Plato. This religious society of ‘perfectionists’ was established in 1848. It prospered economically by making steel traps and silverware. It was reorganized in 1881 as a joint stock company and the social experiments were abandoned.”
(Source: www.anecdotage.com) – http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=2394

S & R* QUOTE #1: Erma Bombeck

“We’ve got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don’t know how it was before, so they think, this isn’t too bad. We’re working. We have our attache’ cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don’t realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.”
(Source: Wisdom Quotes) – http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/women/index6.html

S & R* QUOTE #2: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

“I am a woman above everything else.”
(Source: Wisdom Quotes) – http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/women/index6.html

S & R* QUOTE #3: Sarah Grimke

“It would be as wise to set up an accomplished lawyer to saw wood as a business as to condemn an educated and sensible woman to spend all her time boiling potatoes and patching old garments. Yet this is the lot of many a one who incessantly stitches and boils and bakes, compelled to thrust back out of sight the aspirations which fill her soul.”
(Source: Wisdom Quotes) – http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/women/index7.html

S & R* QUOTE #4: Harriet Beecher Stowe

“So much has been said and sung of beautiful young girls, why don’t somebody wake up to the beauty of old women?”
(Source: Wisdom Quotes) – http://www.wisdomquotes.com/topics/women/index7.html

THE AUTHOR: Valerie Gibson

For 12 years, Valerie Gibson had a sex and relationships column in the Toronto Sun newspaper (Toronto, Canada). She has been interviewed and appeared as a guest in many U.S. and Canadian programs. For two years, she starred in the  ‘Dear Valerie” show on Rogers TV. She is also an author. She says that “she loves to help men and women enjoy and understand the single life, no matter what their age.” She’s had five husbands in the last 14 years!
(Source: 123 people  ) –https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#drafts/130a4c9d1e4a4c05

Here are a few books by Valerie Gibson:

  • Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men [Paperback]
  • Women and Tampons: Index of New Information, With Authors and Subjects [Paperback]
  • Younger Men: How to Find Them, Date Them, Mate Them, and Marry Them by Valerie Gibson (Feb 1994)

THE BOOK: Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men [Paperback] by Valerie Gibson

Gibson has done it this time! She pushed the envelope all the way from the little girls room to the FANCY ladies room. She  recommends the dating of younger men. This is not for the prim and proper. More so, it is for the hot and spicy. If you’re mature and single, sexy and a pinch of racy, she figuratively, asks: “Why don’t you come onto the wild side.” In her view, if you’re ALL-woman, an older man is too tame for you – you need a younger fella. She says bring it on – she has many suggestions. 

Gibson admits that being with a younger man is ‘raise-your-eye-brows’ noticeable. But according to her, it will spike up your life  and super-charge your fun and times with the opposite sex. The book is somewhat balanced as it also speaks of some of the negatives, like meeting his mother!

If so inclined, Gibson’s book delivers! However, for me, it glorifies something different, but …not necessarily good.


There are women out there … dating, looking to connect with Mr. Right. There are men out there … dating, looking to connect with Ms Right.  Studies show that one-third of relationships are older women with younger men and this is on the rise. Although, there are some women who think that it is great to date younger men -I don’t. Like most of you out there, I used to believe that a man, a little older or the same age, is a proper candidate in love. I still do!

Personal Comments

I see  a cougar HOTTIE, as a 40 or 50 something, having broken the glass ceiling, now with the big job, wearing the power suit and having the all- mighty dollar.  She thinks that dating the conventional way is not for her. She sees herself  as a lioness, a natural aggressor and hunter. The toy boy is her prey. She will hunt him down, spend money on him, dress him up and have him escort her to dinner. And she will have her party time for two when she is free and so inclined. To “robbing the cradle” jokes, she will give the finger.

I see an older woman dating a younger man as a little like the dating adventures of “Thelma and Louise”. I don’t believe that these relationships are healthy for the woman.  The competition with younger women, the constant obsession with looking younger and the continual reminder of the age difference can be exhausting and depressing. (I don’t want to worry about wrinkles, competing with younger women or trying hard to keep my man. I want to be at peace and enjoy every stage of my life with the right partner.) Like the mother that I am, I would ask two  questions: (a) “Are these everlasting?” (To your “Yes”, my response would be:  “probably not”.)  (b) “Are you truly happy?” (To your “Yes”, my answer would be:  “while you might think that you are happy, I might say that you probably are settling for half a loaf.” 

You might say: “The ‘fun & games” are incredible! I probably still won’t be convinced.

An older woman dating a younger man turns dating on its ear. It is different, but does it really work? I don’t think so!

The Point

I want to save you some grief. I don’t want you to waste your time. I want you to find love in the right places.

Ladies, please:  
1. Fight the urge to flaunt it if you’ve got it;
2. Be aware of the reasons why a younger man may want a relationship with an older women; here are mine:

2.1 She is more mature, interesting, mysterious, not clingy and secure in her own skin; 

2.2 She is a pseudo-mother figure; 

2.3 She is attractive, but also, more importantly, with career, independent and financially stable or better; etc. 

2.4  He is living the dream – while old enough to know better, he is acting like an oversexed teenager;
2.5 He probably will score;
2.6 Inexperienced or shy, she will show him the way to the promised land! 
3. Leave asap, if you are with a younger man and the relationship makes you feel insecure; I submit that the age gap makes it a lot harder to achieve a sound relationship. 

4. Recognize the probability that he will leave when the bloom comes off the rose and he gets older; or the possibility that he will remain, be verbally indifferent and stray!
5. Remember when you are 60, he will be 50 or better; ask yourself if you REALLY think that he will then WANT to stay;
6. Be aware of the age perspective under which you live your life and with which you view the people in it; it is the same for him but at a different vantage point!
7. Look for someone in your age group;  I say: (a)  That one of the factors to having a successful relationship is to be with a partner with whom you have a lot in common; (b) That this means a person close to your age – it eliminates much of the differences;

8. Aspire for true love! and
9. Experience a wonderful relationship that endures.

Psst! I remember reading a funny line  in one of my e-mails.  A man leaves his wife for a young girl of 20.  His wife later finds a 20 -year old toy boy.  The 60 year old wife writes her husband a letter.  In it, she writes: “Remember 60 doesn’t go into 20, but 20 goes into 60 three times!”

For me, being with someone 50% of your age probnably will equal 50% or less the satisfaction. Think about this before jumping in with both feet!
Take it out for a spin and tell me if you agree.

And that’s my thought of the week on books, what’s yours? *
“Books are life; and they make life better!*”
-Web Tech:  richmediasound.com

The above is a new media production of Valente under its “United Author*” program.

*TM/© 2011 Practitioners’ Press Inc. – All Rights Reserved.

For today, my word/phrase(s) are: “age disparity”; “cougar”; “”; etc.

Age disparity in sexual relationships.

“Age disparity in its most typical form is related to the social and economic traits of societies in relation to marriage practices, even when the sexual relationship is not directly related to marriage. A second common trait in sexual age disparity is the presence of non-durable monogamy or divorce.”
(Source: Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships


“The cougar (Puma concolor), also known as puma, mountain lion, mountain cat, catamount or panther, depending on the region, is a mammal of the family Felidae, native to the Americas. This large, solitary cat has the greatest range of any large wild terrestrial mammal in the Western Hemisphere,[3] extending from Yukon in Canada to the southern Andes of South America. An adaptable, generalist species, the cougar is found in every major American habitat type. It is the second heaviest cat in the Western Hemisphere, after the jaguar. Although large, the cougar is most closely related to smaller felines and is closer genetically to the Domestic cat than to true lions.”
(Source: Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cougar

S & R* BONUS FACT * #1: Advice for Women

“In 1995 the book The Rules appeared. Columnist Maureen Dowd described it as a “dating bible” encouraging women to play “prefeminist mind games” such as “don’t stay on the phone for more than 10 minutes” and “when you’re with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile” and to appear “busy and important.”[65] Women can return to “hunting their quarry” but women are advised to play elaborate games to make men think that the men are the hunters when they’re not.[66] British writer Kira Cochrane of The Guardian found the book The Rules to be confining since it urged women to “laugh at all their date’s jokes”, never ask a man to dance, and appear “challenging” since “men are born to respond to challenge.”[67] Cochrane’s problems with rules were that they relied on “objectionable, outdated notions of masculinity and femininity” and urge people to suppress their gut instinct, and they “make a game and a chore out of something that should be natural and fun and overwhelming.”[16] But writer Bibi van der Zee, initially skeptical of the advice, tried it and found it made the men she dated “keener” to keep going out with her; she found herself to be “calm, unflappable” and, based on the advice, she would leave early on a date, appear busy, not phone him back.[68] While she worried about appearing to be a “game-playing bitch”, she was surprised that the strategy worked; she married and became known to her friends as The Rules Girl.[68]”
(Source: Wikipedia the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

S & R* BONUS FACT * #2: Agenda for women

“Heterosexual women often seek well-educated men who are their age or older with high-paying jobs, according to one account.[40] Evolutionary psychology suggests that “women are the choosier of the genders” since “reproduction is a much larger investment for women” who have “more to lose by making bad choices.”[44] Educated women in many countries including Italy and Russia and the United States often find it difficult to have a career as well as raise a family; many delay finding a mate and having children and wonder if they’re too accomplished that they won’t be as appealing to men.[42] Writer Danielle Crittenden in her book What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us argued that having both a career and family was taxing and stressful for women, and she made a case that the ideal path for women was to marry early in their twenties when their relative beauty permitted them to find a solid marriage bargain and choose from a large pool of available men, have children, and return to the work world when they were in their early thirties with kids in school; but Crittenden agrees splitting up the career path with a ten year baby-raising hiatus poses difficulties as well.[45] Columnist Maureen Dowd quoted comedian Bill Maher on the subject of differing dating agendas between men and women: “Women get in relationships because they want somebody to talk to — men want women to shut up.”[46] Dowd recounted her mother giving her books which advised women to think of themselves as “a soft mysterious cat” and that men are attracted to “curls”, “ribbons”, “bright colors”, and women should “avoid sarcasm.”[47] Dowd quoted poet Dorothy Parker on the subject of romance:”
(Source: Wikipedia the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

“In cultures where age offers social advantages to one gender—typically men—partner choice usually depends primarily on a sort of Nash equilibrium across ages and sexes.[citation needed] For older, established men, the first choice is for younger, more attractive women.[1] In polygamous cultures—such as many Australian aboriginal populations—older wives are maintained as well until the husband dies.[citation needed] Typically, older widows are married to younger men who have come of age first.[citation needed]”
(Source: Wikipedia the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships



“A study released in 2003 by the United Kingdom’s Office for National Statistics concluded that the proportion of women in England and Wales marrying younger men rose from 15% to 26% between 1963 and 1998.[5]In August 2010, Dr. Michael Dunn of the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff completed and released the results of a study on age disparity in dating. Dr. Dunn concluded that “Not once across all ages and countries…did females show a preference for males significantly younger than male preferences for females” and that there was a “consistent cross-cultural preference by women for at least same-age or significantly older men.” A 2003 AARP study had previously brought results that 34% of forty-year and older women were dating younger men.[6]”
(Source: Wikipedia the free encyclopedia) –  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

“In August 2010, Dr. Michael Dunn of the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff completed and released the results of a study on age disparity in dating. Dr. Dunn concluded that “Not once across all ages and countries…did females show a preference for males significantly younger than male preferences for females” and that there was a “consistent cross-cultural preference by women for at least same-age or significantly older men.” A 2003 AARP study had previously brought results that 34% of forty-year and older women were dating younger men.[6]”
(Source: Wikipedia the free encyclopedia) – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

Another stat is almost one-third of women between the ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men (defined as 10 or more years younger). And according to a recent AARP poll, one-sixth of women in their 50s, in fact, prefer men in their 40s.


S & R* NEWS ALERT* #1: Top priorities for Canadian women

“(NC)—Whether young or old, single or have a family, women’s priorities will change at throughout life’s many stages. To determine the importance women place on their health and areas that Shoppers Drug Mart can help women achieve their health goals, the company commissioned a national survey of women through Northstar Research Partners and Strategic Navigator. The study found that overwhelmingly, women identify health as their number one priority in life, with financial stability trailing behind. However, a large number of women, 42 per cent, rank the health of their family as the most important priority in life– more important than their own health.

Based on these results, some women might not be taking all of the time they need and deserve to ensure they are achieving optimal health. If you are someone whose health is taking a back seat, then it might be time to take back “me” time and try to focus on finding ways to incorporate your own health as a daily priority. Start by joining a running or walking group that meets a couple of times a week. It is great exercise, and will also provide you with an opportunity to get to know others who are focused on achieving good health, which the survey also found was an important factor in helping women motivate their own healthy living goals.

It is important to take a holistic approach to health, including mind, body and spirit. The survey found that 62% of women associate making a meaningful contribution to the world with health in spirit. So signing up for a charitable walk, like the Weekend to End Women’s Cancers, is a great way to achieve optimal health. Walking or running in the fresh air will help clear your mind, regain focus, reduce stress and help you get in shape – all while giving back and helping other women achieve greater health.”


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